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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hev's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
9:32 am
As always, your running late, and im getting over and under this thing.
What a weekend...full of emotion, and changes...a good time to back up my writing again....
____________________________________
9.18.2006


Its been 8 days.
5 whole fat days, and not a word from you. Im starting to really believe if i didnt talk to you first, i would never hear from you. Just like all the friends you have let go in the last few years, i suppose i wouldnt be any different. I hate to think that, but...its been 8 days. and nothing. not a peep. Did you ever really care about anyone? How is it so easy for you to just let people fall out of your life, even if they are dangling, reaching for your hand, and you dont even look down? I cant imagine ever being that way...another way im realizing we're different.
I'll be ok.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I still sicken at the thought of you,
and girl, 1, 2, 3 or hell, 10 by now
But it doesnt even matter anymore,
They are all an example of a weakness that i was too blind to see in you all these years
These women have been touched by your callused fingers,
roughness at your fingertips that i used to admire as they plucked each string with the ease of a musical genius
Always wanting grander things, and my little chest never could bare mountains, so you kept on climbing.
your constant closed heart no longer intriques me,
It only reminds me of how lonely you must be.

___________________________________________________________________________

Who knew you were broken?
How did i ever miss that?
I know im attracted to the bruised boys by nature, but you had me so fooled.

_____________________________________________________

Has this all been worth it?

_______________________________________________

Autumn is here.
Crisp, clean, a new begining,
everyone is falling in love,
just as ive fallen out.

do i always have to go agaisnt the crown in every circumstance?

_____________________________________________________________

Golden Amber lights...
Unaction.
I see mountains in my dreams, wide spacious fields,
I climb winding staircases looking for you,
oh dear father,
I cant find you anymore.

____________________________________________________

If my dad were here now, i would ask him what to do next. ...
Though, i know he would laugh at me,
knowing he'd helo raise a daughter so strong, so true, so real
and with that thought i knew id find my way all on my own...

______________________________________________________________

I could pour my heart out with words of love and wisdom,
so poetic and with a flow only a river could mimic
but id cross it all out in the end...doesnt matter anymore.
Im not even angry enough to write prose steaming with loathing
or sad enough to let tears srip on the pages and smear my ink
Your just a page in my history know, a chapter full of run on sentances, with pages that kept fraying.
Everytime i shower, i wash more of you off me
and id shower until my skin was raw, but you cant speed up this process

___________________________________________________________

Bryan called me from the Airport on a layover
Its funny that im still surprised when he calls
im not used to someone wanting to talk to me, to want to know me, to want....
me.
I suppose ive felt guilty all this time...starting to have real feelings for someone else, my heart always belonged to you.
But you gave it back to me, so what other choice so i have but to heal?
You have dissapointed me more than any other man in my life.
the damage you've done is so real, and though you "havent done anything wrong"
because right and wrong is so black and white to you,
you have done wrong by me
by us.
and you repeat your inncoence over and over because you know its true as well.
I will never forget what Amanda said when i came home from the ER with Kai..
i was explaning how i called you to ask your opinion on how to hadle the situation, and how genuine and beautiful you sounded, and how kai was our family and this was so hard on both of us..
and what she said reached the core of me...
"if you were family, he wouldnt have left it"
and she was 100% right on...
You wouldnt have.
and thats why when you were something had changed in me, and i felt nothing for you...maybe a kind of friendship warmth, but thats where it ended.
It was such a weird change..but i think sometimes thats how it happens.
I know you'll never be who you were to me again...after all you;ve done in the last few months, you keep trying to prove your every other guy, so now i believe you.
and its scares me, but i think it would take a miracle for me to change my mind.
I never thought id be here, and i cant feel bad for it, this is all your fault, and for once in your life,
you
cant
deny
that
We can be friends though,
if you want.

______________________________________________________________________________

Girls search for butterflys,
and nice girls find them.

___________________________________________________________________________



___________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
11:38 am
"if we had toothpicks where would they be?" I ask
"Right here", She reaches gracioulsy above my head to a cabinet filled with goodies.
I should have know thats where they were, though her voice cut through my distraction, as i baked brownies to ease my nervousness...
Maybe it was my dream...
he came in like a knight and killed all the spiders, one by one, just as a good father should, then pulled me into his arms to tell me ever so gently of your death...
"your love is gone, im so sorry"
the spiders were gone, my enemy of months, but so were you...
It only made me want to curse the webs, and beg for thier diseased creators to come back, crawl all over me if they had too, as long as i had you, nothing could have scared me.
If i had you at all.
My father's eyes, looked so pained. He knew this news would break my life, id say my heart, but you had done that in your life, so i hadnt any heart left to break...

After you spoke of your fears to me, this dream cast my chest to thump thump thump all morning long.
Maybe this dream is in no way propetic, which i do truly beleieve...i think it may be of my own guilty conscience thats playing with me. Because unlike you, when i draw my eyes to anothers, other than you, guilt weighs in my belly, and you stay with me all night long.
I know i have no reason to owe you anything...but my slow paced letting go has started to come to a close i feel, and i think i feel bad. You gave us up, you created pain in your life to feel, you created problems and mistakes to make a story, i have always just loved you, and done whats natural...and though you still have my heart, i am beginning to want to give it to someone else, which i believe is even worse than it just giving itself.
When you speak, i know you only say what true, your the mnost honest man i know...
and i love you for that as well..
but what is in your heart and what you now carry in your wallet are two very different things.

In my dream i lost you.
and in life your losing me.

I wish my dad was here now to ask him where i go from here.
My heart says one thing, my brain another, and my gut, yet another...
and all the while another man says "could you imagine how beautiful our children would be? If i was 30 right now, we would have been married a month ago"
Its been this slow moving thing, and as all the while i was looking for a crazy, light hearted fling, mostly i think tyo get back at you, which is ideed all the very wrong reason. and here he is,the oppisite of what i intended for him to be, moving slow, and waiting for me to fall...Fate, serioulsy...what are you doing?!

Someone push me off the fence, because i know somethings coming soon. I know i wont be alone for Christmas.
I really never thought id be at this place.



Ps. If somehow you really are my one, and this is all just a chapter of our book that will be edited out later...dont die :)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
10:39 am
at 17 i was beautiful.....
I was given an assignment in my creative writing class back in early 2001....I thought it interesting at the time, yet didnt realize the affect it would have on me in my future (now)
My mentor, teacher, mr. Cameron asked the whole class to write a letter to our future selves...our selves in 2006. He would then keep these letters and mail them when summer ended, in the year of 2006...and being the amazing and gracious man he is...he kept his word...and in my parents mail box yesterday was my letter, to my 23 year old self...and it, like mmost things involving mr. cameron, has changed my life, once again.

January 16th, 2001
11:42am

Hey there me,
Im sitting in senior creative writing right now, writing a letter to myself. As im reading this i should be about 22 -23 years old, god damn! Thats really scary to think about!
Anyhow, I really hope i am either attending college or have graduated by now, though seeing as how i hate school...i wont be surprised if that isnt the case.
I wonder if Chrissie and Jacqueline are still in my life. I want to hold on to Chrissie more than anything. She is amazing, and we made a *promise* so, i believe we'll always be friends.
Today is my birth fathers birthday, he's 42. I dont think he'll be able to live much longer...Lisa is divorcing him, and hes drinking a lot...im so worried about Chelsea and Alexis.
Tiff is living in Arizona with Bill, they plan to be married by 2006.
Nick and I are on ok terms now, but in 5 years i imagine he will be a faded memory, i would love to be with him,but he isnt good to me anymore, and i have the courage to walk away from that. When my father is sober he gives very sobering advice..."You dont wait for any man, hb, real love doesnt wait..if it isnt appreciated it isnt worth it"
Im too strong to stay with Nick if he doesnt apprecaite me, because someone will, and ill wait for him. I bet ill meet him when im 20. Ill be a little more ready by then...
What should he be like? Hmm..
I would like him to be tall...6 feet or so...dark hair, kind, i want him to make me laugh, and let me be myself, and this sounds shallow but i hope he dresses like a surfer, laid back, easy going...free spirited...but not a partyer like all the guys i know now..someone smart, and ahead of the game..confident..oh, and he has to love music,and driving, and the beach.
and me.
all of me, but he'll have to be brave. My life is full of surprises...i imagine these next few years in my life are going to be hard, and i may be messy, and i know im not the easist girl to deal with sometimes, but i love with all my heart, and i'll want him to be brave and patient, and really believe in love. And if he believes in that, i will always believe in him. Wow, I guess mr. cameron is right, i really am the class romantic. i cant help it, this is who i am, and he always says to not apologize for that...so i never will.
More info on my life...
Zacary is one of my best friends. I wonder where he will be in 2006.
I dont want to be married until at least 2007...(hahahah! it must have seemed so far away!)
and no children until at least 2011. (that one is more on the mark:))
Im so frigtened of where i will be when i read this letter. I want to be a successful woman..and not in the money or career sense, but happy...fufufilled.
I want to make mum and ed proud, i cant wait for ed to walk me down the aisle, proud and smiling.he has been so good to me, a beautiful example of a father.
as of 2001, right now, my favorite bands are Goldfinger, Sublime, 311, Reel Big Fish, No Doubt, MXPX, Lauryn Hill, Etc. I just bought a 1995 Black jetta, and learned to drive a standard!
I love to write, my journals are my only materialistic prized possesions.
I want to be in love.
looks like a theme here.
I love the way it feels, the way it smells, the way it carries you.
I've been in puppy love once, but if it was that good, whats the real thing like?
I bet you know...right away. You meet his eyes and everything stops.
I know people say its only that way in the movies, but hey, its my dream, and no one can take that away from me. If i die before i expierence this, i will still not believe i failed, i will come back in another life and i will look for this..its out there. I just know it.
and when i do find it...i will do everything in my life to nuture it, and help it grow. Mr. cameron says he is still madly inlove with his wife Kate...they have been married 20 years! and he said even the best love takes work, but all things you work hard on prevail. I hope when i read this letter as a 23 year old i can call mr.cameron and tell him i have found it...my love.....If he comes.
Ill be patient. and not look, because thats when he'll come.
Im out of highschool in 1 semester...i need this so badly. I cant wait.
so...dads birthday today...
I need to get it on paper that i love him.
everyone wishes he would just go away...but i love him. i do. i cant help it. He has given me so many gifts, and even the bad things are gifts..Hes a good man under all of his pain, and if the day comes when he breaths for the last time i know i will be crushed...so crushed. Despite it all, hes my dad, and i have his eyes, and he has been such a huge part of my existence, that i dont know what my life will be like when hes not it it....i cant really even think about it. But i will make my peace with him. i know fate is on my side, and i will make amends before i lose him...even if hes only sober for one minute, i will get through to him...and maybe my love for him will change things. Change him.
Has anyone ever had this much faith in love? Maybe ill just change the damn world while im at it...
Back to skipping around...
Where did the jessicks end up? they are a whole bunch of assholes. and i imagine that wont change too much. They are the "cool" clique. the guys that get drunk and party every weekend and check out all the freshman girls like they are so much better than us, older girls who actually think. Just because i dont drink, i dont fit in...i pray this changes as i get older...
by the way, i dont drink...not at all. this is a vow for life. any man im with better respect that because its not easy to not follow the crowd, but im doing my best, and im tough.
I hope im still friends with benjamin Bunny yuse. I love that kid. hes a mess, but i love him.
am i fat again? I hope not!
I know this letter is lacking a little substance, but im not meanting for it to, i just have so many thoughts in my head, and im hungry. its hard to be really deep when your hungry..oh and another note to future love of my life, you better like food, bcause i can eat anyone under the table!
I really hope by 2006 i have met you, mr. mystery man. I have been alone now 2 years, and i know im not ready for you yet, not at all,but by 20 or 21 i will be. it may seem young to most,but not me. I have seen a lot of dissapointment in my life, and not to pity me, im proud of what ive been through, but i want to share my story...with you. I dont want to grow up any faster, but i would love to grow with someone.
heres some advice to you:
Im difficult, im sensitive, and if things happen the way they seem they may, i may also be very sad sometimes. But love me. i will come back full cirlcle and i will love you even more for hanging onto me. I promise.
I will try not to push you away...i know i do that. Hopefully by 23 i will have stopped doing that, but in case i do...dont leave...i want you there...im just scared of losing you. and if i ever seem unreachable to you...just make me laugh...its always that easy. just love me. Thats all ill ever need. the rest will come when it may. Love me and love only me, and im yours.
oh, and give me butterfies for as long as you can. that would be a bonus.
My hand is so tired, and the bell is about to ring..im going to smoke a cigarette with Jacqueline...i hope ive quit smoking by 23.
Goodbye future me.
Im 17 now, and im so vivacious.
and please 23 year old self...have the same ideals...dont be closed off and unable to open up...if this dream of love hasnt found you, it will...other people have much bigger dreams that become real, so yours will too. Love is what your made of, so life without it just doesnt make sense. You may meet someone with an even bigger dream, but maybe thats why yours is so attainable. Its in fates hands, so if he believes too, you'll find eachother. dont ever give up hope.
and for some reason...if by the time this comes to my house, if i have died...Mum and ed, i love you. and this is what i was at 17, and its because of you.
and 23 year old me, i hope mr. cameron is still your biggest inspiration...because hes an amazing man, and he has changed my whole life.

love,
heather




___________________________________________________________________

that was the happiest time in my life...and im going to take it back, and bring it into my 20's.
This is my newest vow.
I have the wisdom now to hang on a little tighter to these things, and i will.
Friday, September 8th, 2006
12:08 pm
Like a firecracker
I dont know how it happened...what changed my mind...
it just creeped up as easily as it started to begin with.
Boom.
The smoke hasnt cleared yet, i may end up covered in dust, though im certain its for the better.
Ive always been one to pay attention to signs, and the signs all point the same way now, and the feelings building in my chest also sing the same tune.



The bar keeper yelled....Last call!!!!!!!!!

and it echoed throughout...no one saw you in the dark corner cowering and wondering how to get home
and its too bad,
you asked me to leave the bar early,
afraid anyone would see your heart still attached to mine,
frightened the charade would end, and you, not the victor
so you told me to leave ever so quitely, as if not to break your own heart, and despite my poinant argument.
Maybe you knew all along,
I never belonged there anyway.
Maybe I never did belong with you.
And though you blinked when i turned away,tears building in your eyes,
still you kept laughing with the group, and kept up with the show.

One more drink please!!!!!
and in your hand it landed.
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
1:01 pm
No rain
So this has been a crazy couple of days..and i have to say i have had the time of my life...
Chrissies gone.
I cant believe how bummed i am.
Everyone is feeling it, but we just arent really talking about it...
I hope shes safe, and shes strong as hell, because shes going to be faced with many obstacles.
These last few days, and last week or two has been so increcible.
I have let my guard down entirely, with everyone....and i feel so unbeliveably free.
its funny, i was told by two people that they "love the new me" ha!
The me that loves to hang out late night, that laughs my ass off, that debates, that lets a 20 year old boy kiss me in front of everyone because he wanted to see what my lipgloss tasted like:), that chopped wood with a huge axe for the fire, wants to learn to shoot a gun just for the expierence, the me that doesnt sell out....and its so funny...im sure people assume its because im single, and because i shed the weight of my relationship with Jay off me...but what everyone doesnt know is that i still see him. My close friends know, but only so much. I mean...i know i was unhappy, i know this well. I know i felt really terrible about myself with jay because he didnt know how to be a good boyfriend. he was a great guy, just not a good boyfriend, he was too young and selfish. and yes, all of that is gone now, and im thankful for that, but all these people im sure assume im happy as hell now because im lacking him, but haha..im not.
I would never tell them that we have sleepovers still, and love hanging out still..because its our thing. I heard Iris again yesterday (that songs loves to taunt me) and everytime i hear it i hear a new lyric that makes so much more sense now than when we were actually together...(fate again, is an amazing fortress)
"and i dont want the world to see me, cause i dont think they'd understand, when everythings made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am"
We are starting to understand and enjoy eachother, and i think anyone else being involved would cheapen it....
It is what it is and i like it. and if theres comes a point when i dont, then...ill know its time to really close the book, but that moment hasnt come yet. blah. ok done
I learned how to booty drop this weekend too, and apparently im a pro:)

Im babbleing because i miss chrissie already...and i wont see her until november 4th...and she left me with some words of wisdom...
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
11:09 pm
pale face
Guess i really do know when things are going on. but why choose today?
thanks dad for the clarivoyance.
10:38 pm
August 28th 2004
I dont know when it started...
somehow in the middle of this night this aching started. i felt it in my stomach..it started reaching for my eyes, and i was glad to say goodnight to Bryan and walk home. Im sure he thought something was wrong, but what do i care? he doesnt know me...he doesnt know that on this day 2 years ago i was at his funeral..which isnt even the point, its just this week everyday i rememmber what i was doing that day that year. last year it didnt affect me...but i wasnt here. In his town, the air that smells like his life. His short, sad life.
I gained back my innocence when i lost him...but i still lost you see. I still did.
Walking home...i pulled up my hoodie and held my chin high...no one out here is going to see me cry...and no one ever does. Kind of made me want to call jay...but i know its not his duty anymore to listen to this. Im sure thats part of why he tired to begin with.
I came home..and against my better judgement, U opened up my dad photo album...and there he was. he was happy once right? I could have sworn i made him smile a few times...but i have learned time and time again no matter how happy you make someone, they can still leave...and thats just life...
I just miss feeling protected. I know i have Ed...and im more thanful than ever for him...its just...i wish i could have helped him. What could i have done to have kept him from crossing that line?
i should have stayed on the phone longer.
that day in the street, when jay was pacing around me, and i clung to the phone like his voice was my life line..like his "i love you" was a sweet medicine that would heal me...i should have never hung up...why did i hang up that phone?
i failed.
In a big way.
and when i turned, with tears running down my cheeks, there stood a boy who loved me..the tears in his own eyes spoke for his love...
and i ignored that all too often to yell and scream about the stupidest of things because i was scared to death of losing him, because i had never seen a love for me like that in someones eyes before and it scared me to death, and i scared him off. I rushed us..i rushed him...because i wanted to fail. i wanted to belive that he could never want just me...
but why?
why did i think i deserved to not be loved like that?
because i was scared it would die...just like he did...he died before he could show me how much he really loved me, loved all of us girls.
He was supposed to stop drinking...stop all the noise in his head and live for us...he daughters....and he just let go. Let
go.
At lex's birthday, in honor of him...i scared the hell out of her during a scary movie...and she cried...just like i used to. But this isnt my job...its his..he supposed to be here for all of this. he was my father...and he just left one day because he felt like he couldnt deal anymore...and on this day two years ago...i was at his funeral, and i was holding my baby sister as she cried, and i watched his friends kneel for him and honor him, i saw my mother fall apart and never regain her pieces, i saw my oldest sister lose control , and i lost my spirit, and gained a whole lot of fear...in time i will become brave again...i will. i always do. But its so hard sometimes to not feel undesirable because of what i come from.
im babbling. I cant wait for this week to be over. Definently wouldnt mind not being alone tonite...but hey...if i never open up and tell anyone how im feeling, thats what i get.

ill feel better tommrow.
3:57 pm
If i see you start to leave, please wait up for me
How simple that phrase is, yet how profound at the same time. who knew that could be all someone needs? waiting up...just like that..or leave a light on...its a simple task, yet it breaths hope,without being any kind of promise...i loove it.

since i have accomplished so much today, i will now put some of my writing on here as a way of backing up.Even reading it now, over the last couple months my emotional journey has been so incredible....and My computer is a complete turd and shust down constantly and i cant take the chance of losing these insights, and you never know if your bag couold get stolen with a precious journal inside. Plus, i know its safe to post here because only one person reads it anyway:) and i like him knowing my thoughts i realized, then theres less talking to do when we could be laughing...and theres not much better than that. Laughing, learning, loving, cuddling...no more talking...and i know he'd agree:)


anyway...


The verbal diareeha begins!
__________________________________


My skin would so invite you
to touch
i crave your lips, inch to inch
help me find my way back to your shoulders
feed my empty appetite
Its time to awake my body now



________________________________________________________________________

If you knew this hurts, a nagging drip down my spine
my legs numb, cannot move tonite
Watch me shiver, give me novacaine with your eyes
Find me warmth within your arms
Dont let me down this time,
shake me up


.....wake me up


______________________________________________________________

She calls me to check in
its just how she is
She asks how my heart is healing
"oh, im fine"
I lie to her.
Feels like ive died a little,
though how can i put that into bubbly word im expected to say?
_______________________________________________________________________

I am the strongest woman you kow, and i know it scares you.
I conquer it all with small fists and a mind of steel, all while my emotions dance on white pages of
this notebook,
heartfelt
and
beautiful.
_____________________________________________________________________________



I would pull every strand of hair from your head,
partly for my own amusement and mostly to know if you ever feel pain, even physical
Your having the time of your life, and i, am on empty, filled up by only gasoline and loooking for a match

light me up

__________________________________________________________________________

I still cannot believe what was,
wasnt.
How can i fathom that what was to come,
isnt.


_________________________________________________________________________

*Serindipity*

___________________________________________

My skin tingles,
I allowed myself to be seduced by grander gestures than my beloved.
Years in and outm u sat waiting fir his throat to blossom songs if gratitude of my selflessness and kisses of fortune.
I beared myself slightly to a man with no face, no eyes, no time.
Simply with arms to hold and lips to run my fingers along.
i only wanted you.
Though you'll never come, my denial has become as lucid as dreams
my foolishness has withered,
my skin in tangles.

_________________________________________________________________________

Will he remember meeting me? it was dark in there...
shit, he is just as cute as i remembered. how did i forget that?
(phone rings)

yes, he did remeber, and fondly. An hour conversation and promise of plans, and im off to bed where there is sand.

_________________________________________________________________________


"You have soul, you have class, you have style, but your badass"

___________________________________________________________________________

1,2,3, i think your losing me.

___________________________________________________________________

youve been wounded before, and i find this so relieving...you apprecite the smaller things.
you say you love how i was the same speed even in the rain,
that my lips are perfect enough to be a painting,
that my laughter is contagious,
my wisdom moves you,
and all i ever wanted was the one i love to keep his eyes on me as i got changed at night before we slept.

____________________________________________________________________________

Am i ready to excuse my curves?
let someone draw circles on my skin at half past 2am?
undres for a stranger, and cling to the freedom ive been bestowed, and feel it all the way?
If i have to constantly ask this question, than the anwser is blatant.
I love to be the girl who doesnt give it up...Go ahead and wonder...you'll never know how i feel wrapped around your body, you;ll never know if i have a hidden birthmark, you'll never kiss anywhere but my lips...thats only for love...because without love, your just getting off..and getting used.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I can hear the wavesm our music in my ears,
sweet piano
anyway,
I sit here, same wall,
different girl,
anyway,
who knew id be here alone again,
hadnt seen it coming,
hadnt tried to

anyway.

______________________________________________________________

*promise*

_________________________________________________________

waves get a chance to break and start again...just like me.

just like us?

___________________________________________________________

Queen moves me.

I have writers block.

_________________________________________________

the clouds are parting now,
cant help but wonder what that means...
Sometimesi want a new love,
new mind,
new body,
new freedom,
next in line, new love?
I cant help but like him more than i should.
It could just be his pretty face, blond hair, tall and lean.

_________________________________________________

My thoughts are skipping around like pepples in a wave wake.
My ipods in shuffle which means my brain is on shuffle too...
Lannen fall just came on...
His voice is beautiful, maybe i should tell him again, in case he forgot
He can sing like an angel in high, waiting to pass frightened souls upward
No elequent words coud describe its nature...
"Her eyes are the world when they focus in on you"
Where did he go?
When did his innocent love vanish too?
I just always thougt it would be me and him...and pumpkins, christmas trees, little kittens, blankets with holes, singing in the car, cookies, chinese in bed, movies, bed jumping,christmas music, fall leaves, best friends, partners...
so strange how things can change from one thing to the nest before youve had a chance to change your clothes....I know what we could have done different, but i could have never satisfied his sweet tooth for drunken hookups and catty friends, no matter how many times i baked him brownies. I lost him, and it truly was effortless.
I suppose the positive is that if we get back, we'll really know we chose eachother, unlike before when fate chose us and we just made a mess of it...
but, theres always a but...how could i want him back without thinking he was just bored with the rest and im the fallback?
I dont deserve to be the fallback, afterall, he was always my number 1.I only ever asked to be number 2.

____________________________________________________________________________________

You deserve a medal.

______________________________________________________________
I want to be like that girl in killer queen,
unnatainable, invincible,
a wonder to men
yet, im cutesy, cuddly, and pink

though...
i kiss like a rockstar.

_____________________________________________________________



I cannot believe that i havent written in a week...crazy.
and i also cant belive i somehow ended up at this airport.
Ive always been so in touch with myself..so aware of my emotions...especially now...
But knowing i will see your face in 20 minutes leaves me numb. Maybe i am getting over you as i though...
i suppose ill know when my eyes meet yours.

______________________________________________________________


if i could veiw myself in a mirror, erase my blue eyes, and replace them with hues of brown and gold,
would i see myself in you?
____________________________________________________________________

You say,
we belong
in tijme we'll embrace our fate
a couple of years you said
a couple of minutes i replied in haste
Maybe we'll meet somewhere in the middle of the chaos that is our youth.

_______________________________________________________________________________

im young, oh so enticing im told
I breath,
bubble breaths
i taste,
like salt water taffy

come hither.

___________________________

So selfish in my writing...
"I I I"
every sentance starts the same
i even bore myself
so self indulgent

hey, just like you.

___________________________________________________

Your face has rounded like a little gingerbread man,
you plump when hot.

_______________________________________

Im so in love with this moment
in the airport, so free.

_____________________________________

theres something so sensual about airports.
Explosive emotions traveling
in
and
out
a loss, a gain...some too busy for words, just
run
run
run
Makes me want to grab you by the arm and pull you into a closed bathroom
have you rip off off my clothes, while i breath heavily on your neck.

____________________________________________________

Ive been so crazy and youthful lately
it feels amaing, yet i wonder if ill tire from it, as i see it as neveitable
Ive taunted and teased, and learned just how dangerous i can be,
i had forgotten what it felt like to be wanted,
without having to ask to be touched
15 pounds lighter and free of man
wondering
when i exaust my tounge, will you be there when im done?

_________________________________________________

i bet you never realized, just how resiliant i was

___________________________________________________

I couldnt help but zero in on your underwear...
whats hiding in there, isnt mine,probably was somebody elses, but i want it.
Before, i had no idea how well our bodies fit together,and not just in a sexual sense, though this writing seems so sexually charged, its partly a metaphor.
Even in sleep we dance the same tango, and in loving, we move in sync and rythm.
So now, we will not talk of what our hearts say, or what it means when our bodies speak..we simply live and breath as we go and the puzzle may or may not get completed, but the beauty is in trying to find all the right peices.
If you have to ask what it "means" then your not in deep enough because the anwsers are in the eyes, the kindnes, the warmth.
As long as we dont ignore or stop acting on how we feel, and be free to do that without any big "talks" about it:) we will be what we are meant to.
Maybe someday the circle will close and it will be me and you again..
and maybe it wont. but we both hope for the same ending, even if our journeys are slightly different. As long as our paths merge here and there, we'll be ok. and if they eventually go seperate ways despite what we hope then...thats fate.
Its not a label, that makes it all ok..its love. If our loves fades, then so be it..but as long as its here and its feeling as good as it does, i wont shake it. ive done enough of that, and so has he.
I always thought real love had to be this fairy tale..that never had breaks, or fights, or pauses, or mistakes. But those fairy tales are written by humans that have made mistakes, and have had heartache, and are trying to create a perfect world where these pains and defeats dont exist. These things are what make us stronger. Especially in this situation. We are far better to eachother now than before. You hold things more tightly when there is no pressure, when there is a true chance you'll lose someone, you then...hold tight. We are young, and theres no doubt we are foolish, but thats what youth is all about...and we are doing the best we can, and its pretty damn good if you ask me.

Love is patient, flexible, and if its lasting...it will always be there.

"Let it be"

and when we do that we really are, the best, non couple.
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
1:34 pm
Its august and the flower will be too aged to bloom soon
The music stopped...just like that...stopped.
at such a strange time...
so i guess i have all the anwsers i need.
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
1:18 pm
Iris
this song is haunting me...
I SIMPLY DO NOT GET IT.


If fate is such a comedian, why doesnt it learn to make some sense before playing with me?

"I just want you to know who i am"

and i do.
So what?
is there something deeper im missing? i sure dont think so...its all for face value with him, what you see,is all it is, and what i see is not what i want...so what, lady fate, is your purpose?
Monday, August 14th, 2006
9:27 am
A shadow of your former self
I chucked the ring you gave me into the ocean with a strength i hadnt known i had.
You may have lost yours,its engraving must have burned your finger, and its lost, as your lost yourself, but I chose...
I chose to throw mine away..
I didnt even look to see if it made its way from the shore to the pounding waves, though if its a part of you im confident it got swallowed quickly.
Down to the bottom of the sea where it belongs, dead and buried with the ghost of the man you used to be, and no longer weighing heavy on my finger waiting for a miracle that only a true man could create.





I know you have read this. Stop. I have nothing left for you. Nothing. I gave too much to you already.
Friday, July 7th, 2006
10:18 am
Some thoughts from the last week or so
I have been writing like a mad woman lately. All my emotions are spilling over, and its time to get them somewhere to be saved instead of crumpled papers in the glove compartment:)Its mostly ramble, but i havent sorted out my head yet, so this is all heart babble:)



Fathers Day, 2006
____________________

*I want to thankyou,
not only for your life,
but for mine.


*Without you, i would not stand here today
on this beach, in this town, on these strong legs,
with these beautiful girls.
My sisters are a product of your life, and the very center of mine.
for this i will be forever indebted to you, and willingly so.

* I had forgotten just how magical your smile was...
sounds cliche, i know...
your propably laughing now at how serious i sound...
You always enjoyed my poinancy
I had never gone a day without knowing just how much you loved me, loved us..and here i am in my 20's without you, and
my heart is in the hands of a young musician who loves me, but just doesnt understand how important love is
i wish you were here to teach him....you'd like him you know


4th of July, 2006 (The first time in all my life i didnt get to see the fireworks)
___________________

* 4th of July came and went this year, without a bang
Still no sign of you.
I wonder when ill stop looking for you in crowds,
quit trying to hear your voice in stange mens voices,
Dont know when ill give up the search, i tell myself over and over untill my fingers blister under the the pressure
of writing letters to you addressed to heaven, i dont know if afterlife has mailboxes you know
When is it i will stop missing you?
(when the waves no longer crest and break, i will stop running to the sound of your name)

*The sun has set on you,
i only wanted to be at the shore when night fell
instead of sleeping away, dreaming of you instead
the ocean must have been quiet that dewy summer morning for you to have slipped so softly into your rest,
I never said i love you.....
Though each wave revealed my face, it was yours to begin with.

*your soft,
supple,
clean,
yet,
oh so ordinary to me now.

*Something new needs to find me,
sitting here night after humid night,
rushing these heavy words from my lips....give me something new to say.

*im bored, yet facinated

*In one breath, "i love You's" and sweet names roll of your tounge, and next to you, i know as soon as day breaks and your no longer alone, I loves you will be softer, and your sweet words will be harsher.

*I think im done.
I said this aloud just now and it echoed only long enough to wrap itself back into my grip.

* You can pull your skirt up, up, up above your thighs young lady
though it will never diquise the uncertainty in your eyes.

*when was i a writer? and who was i fooling? all this chicken scratch has only amounted to babbling crap.

*Boys tell a girl they love them, yet tell thier friends something different. Men tell a woman they love them, and show her off proudly to their friends.




thats it for now. and seeing it like this makes me realize i need to write more and more and get some skill back:)
Saturday, July 1st, 2006
10:16 pm
sigh
there was a time when i could sit here and write lines, rythms, melodies of words that would flow so freely from my busy mind, and hurting heart, and into this computer, and off to the rest of the world to see, and relate...maybe help even.
Though now as an adult,i feel so less free, and i feel so more judged. I cant help but feel so much older than 23...i have been so repsonsible for my family, my younger sisters, lost and grieved so deeply, that by now, i feel like i have lived a lifetime, and i can enjoy myself for a little while.
He doesnt understand me.
or women in general..but still his mind is so young in so many ways...when you start a sentance with "i feel", his eyes roll, and i know ive lost the conversation already. I want to get through to him...but i cant make him apprecaite me when he hasnt "had" anyone else. In my heart i know im just agreeing to this, for hopes he kisses someone, and god forbid anything else, realizes thta he has what he wants, and he can choose me, as he did 3 years ago, when his heart ruled his world, and not talking mouths and the confusion of finding yourself.
Maybe this funk is about him...more than i knew. I guess this is really breaking my heart and i hadnt realized how deeply because i was trying to be "cool" for him...be the girl he so much wants... the party girl, the young girl, the girl who will drink him under the table and never pry for any deeper information about him except that hes the lead singer, and hes a nice guy. But isnt that why he fell in love with me to begin with? who i am?
I will never let alcohol stain my lips, i cant go back in time and be 18 again, ive grown so much since then, and i will never settle for him buildinga wall and keeping everyone else on the other side...so maybe he just needs someone who will laugh along with him, and never want anything more than a physcial relationship...its just that i never thought of him as that guy...and it took me so long after what happened with Nick to trust anyone...to trust love..and jay finally convinced me..after 3 years, i finally believed...wow, he really loves me....and then...this happens...
ugh..i dont even know what to do. I know his friends are cheering him on, and i know im not thier favorite person...and i nothing i ever do will make me fit in with them...and he's so in love with them right now..i just wish it would all fall into place...i just dont know how to get there...tomrow is our night to hang out..and after sleeping there last night, i know we have to talk...i just cant find the words, and he cant find his heart and open it long enough to really see me...

i dont even know why im writing here...my journal ran out of pages, and i have run out of pretty words
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
11:30 pm
so
i miss you too.
Saturday, June 26th, 2004
6:34 pm
He taught me...
He taught me...

How to ride a bike (without training wheels) :-)
How to sit and be still and just be
How to appreciate time
How to be whatever i wanted to
How to fake a really good english accent
How to see beyond humilation and laugh at myself
How to find the really good hiding spots during hide and go seek
How toothpicks are more important than after dinner mints
How to wave goodbye out the window while standing on a very deep cushiony couch (when your 3 feet tall)
How it's ok to cry, and ok to cry on someones shoulder
How a pouty lip goes a long way with a man :)
How to grow at my own pace
How to own up to the fact that what i do affects others
How to read by sounding out letters (Big looooong words)
How to ask for what need and not just what i want
How to say i love you, even if your not sure your too big for it anymore
How to fanatsize about a dream wedding, because love is beautiful
How to write all this in 5 minutes just from memory
How to be strong when he's finally gone...

I'll miss you... Thankyou...

I'm going to go stand on the couch now...
Friday, June 25th, 2004
6:41 pm
Ask Me...
"I can withhold like it's going out of style"
i sat accross the table from you...staring at the couples walking through the city on late night. Older men and women eating ice cream, two women staring into one naothers eyes as they held hands and continued walking...
i then stared at the food that was no longer appietizing on my plate. I dismiss food when my heart wants to speak through the same lips.
I remeber thinking these exact words,
"my heart is sinking...sinking...i wonder if it would splash your feet if it hit the floor"

but did i say it?
no.
i've never been one to hold true to mute laungageyet whn it comes to this matter of my heart, which he has become, i hold fast to witholding an assume my mum mind will anwser the questions longing inside my very self.

I'vegot to figure it out on my own. i know this theory well, i suppose i was wondering when i could lean on you? and by you, i mean another, a lover .for a moment longer than today...and think further than tommrow?
I've never been offered more than that by anyone...i guess it makes me think of the age old question....will anyone want to spend there whole life with me? Does my face tire? Does my nervous giggling ring like a error message in ears? Does my wanting to be loved and love become exausting?

Do i say this aloud?
no.

shake my head and smile....for a strong girl, i can be so damn cautious....but i think if i felt it could be said aloud it would have been. I apologize for knwoing what is true...
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
6:42 pm
desirata
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive
persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully
surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.
4:55 pm
red paint drops
I've never had a man run after me before.
Not unless it was too late and my heart was so battered and bruised i couldnt have loved him agian if i tried or hoped as hard as my will allowed.
It's as if the minute a man has felt he himself has been the sould reason for the hurt rolling down my cheeks in little drops of pain, he turns the other direction.
I have been hurt many times before and he doesnt want to be time 10,234.
so, go
give me time, turn away, whatever you must do, i will be fine. i ahve a foundation of a thoysand arms holding my chin up, and my spirit light...you, and no man will change that.
If i said i would keep my window open until sunrise for you would you come? or would fear hold you in you home, awake and in thought?
of course you wouldnt come.
i'd be waiting by an open window, full moon bathing in light....but you would never come, for fear cannot set us free only capture our life within it's hands and leave us waiting....always waiting....
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
10:19 am
Young boy Missing
I walked with him in his afterlife again
we sat under Pine Trees, the temperature a perfect 75
He wispered to me
"i miss my mother"
my eyes because tearful as i saw the color in his face drain bit by bit
and i couldnt help but place him bac in his casket
Tanned face turned pale, rosy lips gone peach
I always dream of him in vivid color
In his afterluife we play until i need to wake again,
but this time he missed home,
and i couldnt stay.
I still had my life to live,
and he took his.
Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
9:43 pm
for you....
You stutter when your excited


and everday i find a reason to fall in love with you


again and again
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